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There's really not that much I can say about a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie that hasn't been said before, so instead I'm going to give my rendition of how the pitch for this movie went:

Guy 1: Alright, it's about time to make a new action movie to patch together and throw into the theaters.
Guy 2: Sounds good to me. No matter how bad it is, action movies always bring in an audience.
Guy 1: Awesome. I guess the first thing we need to do is figure out who the star is going to be.
Guy 2: Shouldn't we come up with the storyline first?
Guy 1: Why? The stars sell action movies, not the plot.
Guy 2: Good point.
Guy 1: Now, I was thinking Sylvester Stallone.
Guy 2: Nah, too expensive, and Judge Dredd was so horrible that I'm not sure his name is a positive anymore. What about Jean-Claude Van Damme? Timecop and Street Fighter were popular.
Guy 1: Good idea. Good idea.
Guy 2: Thank you. Now we need a sidekick. All action movies have sidekicks. And preferably a funny one.
Guy 1: How about someone gimmicky? You know, someone that you wouldn't expect to star alongside Van Damme.
Guy 2: I like it.
Guy 1: How about Larry King?
Guy 2: Too old. Funny, but hard to put him in a good action movie.
Guy 1: True. What about a professional athlete? They all want to be actors.
Guy 2: That just might work. Michael Jordan was good in Space Jam.
Guy 1: Exactly.
Guy 2: What about Scottie Pippen? He's Jordan's teammate, and he's probably sick of always being second to Jordan.
Guy 1: He seems too reserved to be an action movie sidekick. What about that one guy, with the tattoos and the crazy hair?
Guy 2: Dennis Rodman?
Guy 1: Yes!
Guy 2: I like it.
Guy 1: Didn't you already say that?
Guy 2: Yes. Yes I did.
Guy 1: Alrighty, just checking.
Guy 2: Now we can get started on the story.
Guy 1: Let's just have a couple of trained dogs write the story, and then we can add in bad basketball cliches for Dennis Rodman to say.
Guy 2: Sounds good to me, that way we don't have to spend money on a writer.
Guy 1: Exactly.

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Copyright 2008 Benjamin Wood